Acceptance Series 2

I'm fat, I'm thin, I'm short, I'm tall
I'm deaf, I'm blind, hey aren't we all?
Don't laugh at me, don't call me names
Don't get your pleasure from my pain
In God's eyes we're all the same
Someday we'll all have perfect wings
Don't laugh at me.

(mark wills – don’t laugh at me)

She didn’t want to go to the party, but there wasn’t really a choice. She was shy, not just because she was new but because she just could never muster up the courage to open up easily in front of people she didn’t really know.  That’s how she’d been all her life and the reactions she faced made it even worse for her to ever showcase her confidence or her talents, or even her feelings for that matter.

Today was the sophomore day in her new college, just a few blocks away from her home. After being in an all girls school shifting to a co didn’t appease her at all but her parents thought it would do her a great deal good to experience a mixed crowd.

The theme itself was so silly – fairytales. A non-existent superficial kiddish theme she thought. Was not college supposed to be a maturing experience, a place to broaden your perspective, learn to, well, make mistakes and learn - a fairytale themed party to welcome  a new journey seemed really cocky to her. Nonetheless she dressed up, and took a ride to the party with her dad. He wished her luck. Of course she would need it.

The instant she entered she knew it was going to be a hell ride for her. She hated parties and this one was no surprise. Young minds trying too hard to be cool, Muscle and skin revealing dresses in the name of high-class (& low-morale), music to deafen anybody,  dancing that would put some of the prostitutes in town to shame, and of course the bullying- nothing that she was ready for. Juniors all around had come in groups to be able to tackle the seniors, not that it made a difference, but it gave you moral support. So she looked for a group large enough to hide her, she could just sit behind them and pretend to be a part of the gang. She just didn’t want to be targeted again, every time she went to a new place, it was all she prayed – to not be noticed, not because she couldn’t face anybody, had that been the case she’d be dead with burdened humiliation, but she had survived enough of it to last her a life time.  At home and outside.

It wasn’t long before a bunch of hunks came over, eyeing her, she pretended to be talking over the phone, but they weren’t buying it. Why try to intimidate when you are not even interested, she wondered.

The washroom, she thought would be safe, of course what guy would have the guts to walk into a ladies washroom right? At any rate she didn’t want to be embarrassed on her first day itself.

She got up and made her way quickly towards the washroom, as quickly as she could anyways. People weren’t moving enough for her to pass through. 

She rushed into the washroom only to face déjà-vu. The other girls looked her up & down and talked in whispers about the log that had just entered. Or did they say hag? She pretended not to hear, but it was obvious by their looks. Some things don’t need telling, they are expressed much better in actions than in words, by the way you roll your eyes or by the way you smirk, or laugh.

She waited a few minutes and then decided to go home, her parents would say it was all her fault, she had not tried mingle with the crowd, or that she brought this reaction from people upon herself.

“Try to make friends, I’m sure you will find other healthy people to befriend. See if you are fat & others make fun of you, can we say something to them, no, because you are a little fat. Why don’t you try to do something about your weight, what can we do about it, we can only tell you? It is your fault people look at you the way they do.  Nobody will marry you if keep bloating like this. When I was your age i was barely 20 kgs. I don’t want to hear anything you are going to this college, see if you are so much bothered about your weight, then you have the time to lose it.” 

 And it was in rebellion that she refused to do anything about it.  Why should she be bothered? If people were so shallow to not want to befriend a fat person, if they could not see beyond her round belly, then she didn’t want friends like that. If it took her a lifetime even, to find one person who would not judge her for her figure or rather lack of it, she would wait & make friends only with someone deep enough to value human emotions. 

As soon as she left the party hall she was surrounded by the same four guys, wasted to the extent of almost losing their senses, she tried to squeeze out from between them but given her generous size it was not possible, panic engulfed her, she didn’t want to make a scene by screaming, she didn’t want to be molested either, she didn’t know what to do.

Move aside. it didn't come out how she wanted it to but atleast it didn't stay in her voice box.

Why sweetheart? We are doing you a favor no one else in their right mind will even think of. You should be grateful to us.

Words – they are capable of shattering anyone’s confidence.  And suddenly she seemed to have lost them. She couldn’t form a straight sentence in her mind, her voice started deserting her and her eyes began to flood. Hell she didn’t want to cry in front of them – it would only give the sadistic bastards more pleasure. Adrenaline pumped faster than her blood for all the wrong reasons, and she felt scared, like hell.  One of them decided today was his day to be bold, and placed a sick hand on her cheek. All her anger, fear, pain, every possible resentment leapt out of  her, like a hungry predator hunting his prey,  only this leap sounded like a slap.

Her hurt, his disgrace stamped across his disgusted face.

And then he came. 

He didn’t have to say anything, all he had to do was just glare, after all he was the hottest & the richest player in collage – no one messed with him. He had it good - muscle and money. The goons froze, and blabbered some incoherent rubbish.

Her hand was still shivering from the impact and she needed fresh air. She walked away as fast as she could, he followed her.  She sat down across the grounds on the edge of the pool and dipped her legs in.  Water always had a calming effect on her. She needed calming more than anything else, now that the tears had started.   He sat down beside her, keeping a distance. He knew decent girls like her needed space and he respected that – a lot.

She found herself lost between the anger she felt at the shallow minds the bloody world was filled with, the insecurity she felt with him sitting right there and looking at her and the gratitude she felt for his sudden rescue. She allowed herself one single glance at him, though her eyes stayed long enough to be called a stare.  He wasn’t looking at her with sympathy or with disgust, he looked kind of sad. She was most certainly surprised.

This is one of those planned jokes, where he will try to befriend me and later will make fun of me with his own gang and tell me this was one whole planned drama to make me look like an idiot. I must not talk to him. No matter what he looks like. He had to be one of the spoilt brats, couldn’t be anything else.

She stood up to leave, he looked at her as if about to ask something, but stopped. He smiled a genuine smile. She decided to walk faster to avoid a change of mind. When she reached the gate, she looked back, for some unknown reason and she saw him still sitting there, head buried in his hands, and her purse.  Curse luck.

With a lot of conscious effort she turned off her over-working mind and went back to pick her purse up. One more look at him and she lost resolve.

Thank you. For helping me out.

No worries, Its ok. Had there been anyone in your place, I would have done the same thing.

Yes but had there been anyone else in your place, they would not have done the same thing.

He looked up to face her properly

In that case you are welcome. I’m  Roshan . And you are?

I am extremely grateful and tired right now.

Well miss extremely grateful and tired, let me inform you, I am not what you are thinking I am.

You don’t know what I think of you.

I can see it, and I hate being judged. You think I’m a rich spoilt brat, used to getting whatever I want, probably one of the worst characters around, but I’d like you to see that’s not who i am.

Well, I don’t go around making friends where I know there is potential for hurt. I’ve gotten enough of that to know where to keep my distance.  Just because I’m fat doesn’t mean I need sympathies.  I’m fat not disabled- there is a difference.  I don’t need more people assuming that they are doing me a favor that no one else in their right mind would.  

 So ?

So we don’t have to be friends, I can make friends on my own and if not then I can be happy on my own, I don’t need shallow minded losers for friends. 

What have I said or done that makes you think I am shallow?

She knew she was letting her insecurities get to her, perhaps it wasn’t right to be so judgmental of others, and she didn’t have an answer to his question either.  

 Nothing, yet.

Then when I do you can stop being friends ok? Which I highly doubt anyways. So you are ?

Reluctance, insecurity and precariousness later, she replied .

Dia.

acceptance series 1