Hope, prayer, and love.

He loves her, or so he thinks. She is a constant hum at the back of his mind – everything he sees, hears , feels - his first thought is of her. He has lost himself to her wholly, and he knows it’s no use denying himself the truth. He wonders if she feels the same way about him, with the same intensity. She indulges him, gives into his every word, hangs on to him -  but perhaps his mind is reading too much into the words she says. Perhaps she is no longer as invested in him as he is in her – he allows himself the delusion. Though it stabs a million knives in his heart – he wants to believe that even after all that has been done and said – she will keep her end of the promise. 

 He is aware of the bleak uncertain future that awaits them, the fight he will have to put up and he knows he will – with every fibre of his being, all the madness in his soul. He knows this secret, this love -it will raise a storm that could possibly obliterate everything that stands in its path. He does not doubt for one second the strength of his love, he is certain of that much and it gives him hope for the future – for them. He has been adamant in this matter and he will remain adamant regardless.

 But he wonders who will be left standing strong after the storm has passed - he fears the end of the battle – he fears the collateral damage. Nothing is gained with out loss,  that is the natural order of this world, to maintain the balance of the universe - for every thing there is a price to pay. The bigger the desire, higher the price.  

He wishes things were easier, and those wishes weigh heavy on his fragile heart. He prays because he doesn’t know what else to do. He puts his hope in the creator of the universe to allow him this pleasure. He knows he is not the most obedient of slaves – but he begs his Master to have mercy on the ones he loves.  He is willing to change himself if it takes. He wakes up late at night – just before dawn, on the advice of a well-wisher. He performs ablution and stands in prayer, he has never felt so helpless before. His prayer is for a miracle, because it would take nothing short of a miracle to bring them together in peace.  He now knows humility before his Lord – knowing only god can work miracles and his faith has ascended to the heavens. 

He laughs amidst the tears he would never admit - this love had changed him, made him a better person – at least in his mind. He falls down in prostration and it is a while before he raises his head, and when he does , his heart is stable. He understands how people of faith seek help and hope in prayer, he realizes that nothing is within his control, and the only way to get what you want is to please the One who can control everything. He raises his hands and lifts his eyes to the sky - God is near, and he prays like his life depends on it.

Come morning - he finishes his prayers and watches the sun rise - just above the horizon, rays of hope, signs of the God he has now placed his trust in. The darkness is always followed by the sun, there is always light at the end. A poem by a sufi poet comes to his mind "

He lets the light illuminate him, fill him with courage to go through the darkness he is facing.   He knows god has a way of doing things and our hearts - they are better left to chance. He rises to face another day away from her - for the sake of the God he loves - his love will soon light up his sky - he only has to wait for the right time, and he will wait with a beautiful patience.

Questions

Why does she ask so many questions you wonder? She’s never been nosy and you don’t know her to be super inquisitive. But you see something is off, though you can’t quite place your finger on it. All you see is her asking many questions, jumping from topic to topic, and you wonder why. 

For some reason you think it's so childish. Not that it’s an insult - Although not many would agree.  

Children ask questions because they are constantly exploring, discovering, learning, their innocence leads them to ask questions. And they only ask those whom they trust to give them correct answers. They ask to learn, to find out and to build trust. 

As does she. 

And you can see the child within when she learns a new piece of information about you, you see her eyes light up as she knows she’s going to get a story in response to her question. Even when you are chatting you can picture her eyebrows clash as she wonders, and her eyes lashes flutter as she confuses and clears the doubts in her mind.

She asks to discover you more, to know what made you who you are, and sometimes just to keep conversation running. She asks you because she trusts you, and she needs that. 

You finally get it, though initially you were kind of irritated by the constant questioning, but when you do figure it out - you love her more for it.

and she will be loved

There only so many people we sift thoroughly to let deep down into our hearts. I too, have had my share of all kinds of friends, but today I will raise a toast to my soul-sister. The one girl who through time & distance will always be a huge part of my life.

My ninth- grade was a pretty rough year. There was this girl in my class K who sat right in front of me & she had the jolliest nature ever. K was perpetually sunshine and smiles & there’s no better way to describe her. Our first talk in class went like this.
Me: where are you from?
K: Tamil nadu
Me: oh a pandu
K: excuse me!
Me: yeah a pandu & an enemy
K: why? We don't even know each other enough to be enemies
Me: because you guys want to steal the kaveri water from us
And thus fake wars were waged as we fought for the kaveri we hadn't even seen.

 Since I was kind of alone & in no real intention to make any more close friends (due to a huge dramatic full - fledged Indian serial type break up with my ex-best friend) I took refuge in the library. Every recess & every free period I would run away to the library & bury myself in books. And every once in a while she would swing by & check on me, she didn't have to, no one else did, but she would and it pretty much made her almost top of my list of awesome people. She was a reader herself & we would have many talks about our heroes.

Skip a few years. We just got closer.

She got married & had a child. We didn't tell any of our other friends because when life tends to find out you are too happy it jinxes your happiness. I was leaving for vacation when she went into labor & I kept trying her cell but could not reach her. Finally she did call me & I was so happy for her that I thought I might just shoot out like a rocket with all the joy. And then she dropped the bomb. "Will you be godmother to my child?" If I had any doubts about rocketing away, I was fairly certain I would now. Needless to say I spent an entire vacation planning on stuff I’ll buy my godson, and what kind of a god mother I would be.

In a few months, she called me & said she had a big announcement and I still remember regretting being a happy go lucky loser who joked about everything because I teased her if it was a second pregnancy or something when she broke down on the phone & after moments of uncertain silence and panicking she told me she was getting a divorce. I was dumbstruck. I didn't know what to say so I cried & tried to convince her that it would be ok & I was there for her - always. I had known for a while that there was something going on between them but she hadn't spoken about it ever & I didn't ask because I knew if she wanted to tell she would have told me- I didn't want to intrude into her personal life. So I spoke to her more often & though I wanted to visit her more often than I could, I tried. Eventually she got the divorce but then there was the custody battle & we plotted & fought court - of course I only had a minimal role to play except for the daily prayers. But in the end we won. She got my godson & it wasn't all great & glorious but we got through. And I feel like hell even now because I wanted to do more for her & be there in more ways than I could but I tried & that is my saving grace. I visited her & we cried & sought solace in reminding each other of god's mercy & greatness & His grand plan.
And then she left. For good to India (family emergency). I was upset for a whole week before I could be normal again.

I cannot think of her without a smile creeping up on me because she made me a better person, and for the sister she has been she deserves nothing short of heaven.

 

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TV: Bones.