Thursday, 27 June 2013
to cheer up my friend - prompt.
You wake up drowsy, still drunk on last night's ecstasy. You can feel the sunlight on your skin so you don't want to open your eyes, your hand reaches out of its own accord , searching the bed, longing for his touch. You find nothing. Panic rushes within as you sit up holding the duvet against your chest. Afterall dreams only last while you are sleeping. The bed is still molded in his form and his warmth lingers on the side of the pillow near to you. You look around and release the breath you didn't know you were holding when you hear clanking from the overlooking balcony. Relief escapes your lips in a subtle curve and you find your inner self reprimanding you for being easily carried away. Dreams have a way of calming you, arousing you, and inspite of themselves weakening you. Making you vulnerable.
You let the duvet fall and climb out of the (very inviting) bed. As you make your way towards the adjoining balcony you sheild your eyes against the dim sunlight. You don't really want to wake up yet. You want to remain in last night forever if that's possible.
Before you enter you see him in all his morning glory - sex hair, loose shorts, bare chested and it's enough to take your breath away. You lean in the doorway under the pretense of watching him but really you are just a tiny bit weak in the knees at the very sight of him. He looks up at you and smiles and it's so enchanting that you are sure by the time he strides over to you, you will be a puddle of mess on the floor. Your heart has now forgotten the natural order and is beating to a dubstep - so loud you think the city will wake up. He stands millimeters away from you and you are hyper consciously aware of your flimsy nightdress and what it is doing to him. He leans in and asks 'I hope you didnt have too bad a time last night.' You blush and suddenly you are shy and flashes of last night make you speechless so you run a hand in your hair and purse your lips to hold that smile but actually you just want to buy time. He studies your face with a victorious sly smile that makes even the butterflies in your tummy quiver.
He pouts and says 'you have some damage to pay for' and you look up under your lashes knowing exactly what damage you caused - unaware you could be capable of it. You blush some more but now you have built up the courage to open your mouth and you really want to say something to make him blush because babe you can handle it. So you raise a hand and lay it upon his cheek because actions speak louder than words and he leans into your palm and the smirk on his face has given way to need and hell actions really do speak louder than words, you rise up to meet his lips and there's no where else you'd rather be. He asks you to join him for breakfast and you take a quick bathroom break and come back for some food because god knows you're famished. He brings out his guitar and having found out last night what a Zayn Malik fan you are he sings to you - what makes you beautiful. You notice for the first time the depth of his voice and the pain it masks and you are consumed by desire to hold him. You look around to distract yourself and a word escapes your lips- phantasmagoria. He stops mid tune and says' English is my language and even I don't know what that means.' You laugh and explain 'its a series of events real or imaginary that are dream like - and this, you gesture with your hand, - it's phantasmagorial for me'. 'Me too' he replies and you do believe him.
You go for a shower as the sun rises a little bit over the horizon. You take off the nightdress and step into the shower - unsated. And as is the case with bathrooms and long showers - clarity, divine clarity sets in. You stand for a while in front of the full length mirror in the washroom inspecting your body for any visible signs of last night's events. You remember coming out of the one direction concert, you remember lying to your parents about a supposed friends wedding in Delhi, you remember the flight and every hostess and steward on it because you were so excited to be here, you remember all the lies you had to say to cover for that 'wedding ' you are supposedly attending, you remember the crazy crowd in the heat of the concert, you remember feeling exhilarated, you also remember meeting this disguised god on the way to your cheap hotel room and you remember taking your suitcase and joining him here. You look in the mirror and try hard but you cannot find the little crazy headed fangirl. Instead you find a woman altered beyond recognition - making a decision. When you are dressed you come out of the bathroom and he's sitting on the bed toying with his phone and looking at you - happy and maybe amused. '28 misscalls baby- you indulge me well. They're going to be mad. ' - he says.
You start rummaging for your stuff lying around and he looks confused. He asks if something's wrong and you remind him of your flight home in a couple of hours. He looks sad. He opens his mouth in protest but you beat him to it because babe you really can handle this and because you just might change your mind if you give him the chance to just because well you know how impractical this is. So even though you wanted to sugar coat it you decide against your better judgement to just speak the truth and let the pieces fall wherever and even though you had prepped yourself during your divine shower about what and how exactly to say to him you can never be enough prepped to break a heart so you just go with instinct - 'we belong to different worlds. We're like the moth drawn to the flame and maybe we can stay near each other for a while but it won't be long before one consumes and finishes the other. We may have given in to our desires but this is not as serious as we want to believe it is. It will not do you good to have let loose you slept with a random girl and I come from a normal middle class family and I'm the only daughter and my parents will always be the most important people in my life and this - I don't normally do this. It's against everything I've been raised to be and don't tell me it will be fine because it won't. And when and if my parents find out all hell will break loose. And I couldn't run away - I'm not that insensitive. So for the greater good it's best we never talk about this to anyone ever - please - to protect us. If you really cherished this - then let this be our secret.'
He asks if it wasn't real enough or important enough for you and you are taken aback by how desperately he's trying to keep you but you hold strong and say ' I am not saying it was unimportant or anything short of real and amazing and ethereal but it was just in that moment. It will always be special to me because in that time and space it was all I wanted - but look at the bigger picture here. It's a messed up situation and there's only one solution.'
You're done stuffing everything into your suitcase and you head towards the door s he follows you and you are acutely aware of his presence. At the door you turn around and place one finger to his lips and he's taken by surprise - infact you've even surprised yourself by this sudden boldness. You reach up and whisper 'it was a dream - a beautifull dream.' His eyes beg you and it weakens every bit of your will - so you rise to give him a kiss and he leans in and looks so starved for you that your heart melts right there - you give him a chaste one compared to the few recent ones. But right now you are the very embodiment of practicality which is not usually you and you know this last night has changed you in ways you will not heal. He smiles with a certain pleasant kind of sadness and says thank you for a phantasmagoria and the word sounds so magnificently divine in his deep British accent. You step out of the room before your heart begins to take control and walk across the hallway, turn around and smile - you speak the final words though you kind of hoped he would be the first to say them goodbye zayn. He smiles back and you notice its not the same smile he usually has but it will do -for the greater good goodbye he says. You wink at him and turn away.