Friday, 12 September 2014

Hope, prayer, and love.

He loves her, or so he thinks. She is a constant hum at the back of his mind – everything he sees, hears , feels - his first thought is of her. He has lost himself to her wholly, and he knows it’s no use denying himself the truth. He wonders if she feels the same way about him, with the same intensity. She indulges him, gives into his every word, hangs on to him -  but perhaps his mind is reading too much into the words she says. Perhaps she is no longer as invested in him as he is in her – he allows himself the delusion. Though it stabs a million knives in his heart – he wants to believe that even after all that has been done and said – she will keep her end of the promise. 

 He is aware of the bleak uncertain future that awaits them, the fight he will have to put up and he knows he will – with every fibre of his being, all the madness in his soul. He knows this secret, this love -it will raise a storm that could possibly obliterate everything that stands in its path. He does not doubt for one second the strength of his love, he is certain of that much and it gives him hope for the future – for them. He has been adamant in this matter and he will remain adamant regardless.
 But he wonders who will be left standing strong after the storm has passed - he fears the end of the battle – he fears the collateral damage. Nothing is gained with out loss,  that is the natural order of this world, to maintain the balance of the universe - for every thing there is a price to pay. The bigger the desire, higher the price.  

He wishes things were easier, and those wishes weigh heavy on his fragile heart. He prays because he doesn’t know what else to do. He puts his hope in the creator of the universe to allow him this pleasure. He knows he is not the most obedient of slaves – but he begs his Master to have mercy on the ones he loves.  He is willing to change himself if it takes. He wakes up late at night – just before dawn, on the advice of a well-wisher. He performs ablution and stands in prayer, he has never felt so helpless before. His prayer is for a miracle, because it would take nothing short of a miracle to bring them together in peace.  He now knows humility before his Lord – knowing only god can work miracles and his faith has ascended to the heavens. 

He laughs amidst the tears he would never admit - this love had changed him, made him a better person – at least in his mind. He falls down in prostration and it is a while before he raises his head, and when he does , his heart is stable. He understands how people of faith seek help and hope in prayer, he realizes that nothing is within his control, and the only way to get what you want is to please the One who can control everything. He raises his hands and lifts his eyes to the sky - God is near, and he prays like his life depends on it.

Come morning - he finishes his prayers and watches the sun rise - just above the horizon, rays of hope, signs of the God he has now placed his trust in. The darkness is always followed by the sun, there is always light at the end. A poem by a sufi poet comes to his mind "

He lets the light illuminate him, fill him with courage to go through the darkness he is facing.   He knows god has a way of doing things and our hearts - they are better left to chance. He rises to face another day away from her - for the sake of the God he loves - his love will soon light up his sky - he only has to wait for the right time, and he will wait with a beautiful patience.

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