All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost;
all that seems calm on the surface, is most definitely shrouding a raging turmoil beneath it.
Tuesday, 10 July 2012
Acceptance Series 2
I'm fat, I'm thin, I'm short, I'm
I'm deaf, I'm blind, hey aren't we all?
Don't laugh at me, don't call me names
Don't get your pleasure from my pain
In God's eyes we're all the same
Someday we'll all have perfect wings
Don't laugh at me.
(mark wills – don’t laugh at me)
She didn’t want to go to the party, but there wasn’t really a choice.
She was shy, not just because she was new but because she just could never
muster up the courage to open up easily in front of people she didn’t really know. That’s how she’d been all her life and the
reactions she faced made it even worse for her to ever showcase her confidence
or her talents, or even her feelings for that matter.
Today was the
sophomore day in her new college, just a few blocks away from her home. After
being in an all girls school shifting to a co didn’t appease her at all but her
parents thought it would do her a great deal good to experience a mixed crowd.
itself was so silly – fairytales. A non-existent superficial kiddish theme she
thought. Was not college supposed to be a maturing experience, a place to
broaden your perspective, learn to, well, make mistakes and learn - a fairytale
themed party to welcome a new journey
seemed really cocky to her. Nonetheless she dressed up, and took a ride to the
party with her dad. He wished her luck. Of course she would need it.
she entered she knew it was going to be a hell ride for her. She hated parties
and this one was no surprise. Young minds trying too hard to be cool, Muscle
and skin revealing dresses in the name of high-class (& low-morale), music
to deafen anybody, dancing that would
put some of the prostitutes in town to shame, and of course the bullying-
nothing that she was ready for. Juniors all around had come in groups to be
able to tackle the seniors, not that it made a difference, but it gave you
moral support. So she looked for a group large enough to hide her, she could
just sit behind them and pretend to be a part of the gang. She just didn’t want
to be targeted again, every time she went to a new place, it was all she prayed
– to not be noticed, not because she couldn’t face anybody, had that been the case
she’d be dead with burdened humiliation, but she had survived enough of it to
last her a life time. At home and
It wasn’t long
before a bunch of hunks came over, eyeing her, she pretended to be talking over
the phone, but they weren’t buying it. Why try to intimidate when you are not
even interested, she wondered.
she thought would be safe, of course what guy would have the guts to walk into
a ladies washroom right? At any rate she didn’t want to be embarrassed on her
first day itself.
She got up and
made her way quickly towards the washroom, as quickly as she could anyways.
People weren’t moving enough for her to pass through.
into the washroom only to face déjà-vu. The other girls looked her up &
down and talked in whispers about the log that had just entered. Or did they say
hag? She pretended not to hear, but it was obvious by their looks. Some things
don’t need telling, they are expressed much better in actions than in words, by
the way you roll your eyes or by the way you smirk, or laugh.
She waited a
few minutes and then decided to go home, her parents would say it was all her
fault, she had not tried mingle with the crowd, or that she brought this
reaction from people upon herself.
“Try to make
friends, I’m sure you will find other healthy people to befriend. See if you
are fat & others make fun of you, can we say something to them, no, because
you are a little fat. Why don’t you try to do something about your weight, what
can we do about it, we can only tell you? It is your fault people look at you
the way they do. Nobody will marry you
if keep bloating like this. When I was your age i was barely 20 kgs. I don’t
want to hear anything you are going to this college, see if you are so much
bothered about your weight, then you have the time to lose it.”
And it was in rebellion that she refused to do
anything about it. Why should she be
bothered? If people were so shallow to not want to befriend a fat person, if
they could not see beyond her round belly, then she didn’t want friends like
that. If it took her a lifetime even, to find one person who would not judge
her for her figure or rather lack of it, she would wait & make friends only
with someone deep enough to value human emotions.
As soon as she
left the party hall she was surrounded by the same four guys, wasted to the
extent of almost losing their senses, she tried to squeeze out from between
them but given her generous size it was not possible, panic engulfed her, she
didn’t want to make a scene by screaming, she didn’t want to be molested
either, she didn’t know what to do.
Move aside. it didn't come out how she wanted it to but atleast it didn't stay in her voice box.
sweetheart? We are doing you a favor no one else in their right mind will even
think of. You should be grateful to us.
Words – they
are capable of shattering anyone’s confidence.
And suddenly she seemed to have lost them. She couldn’t form a straight
sentence in her mind, her voice started deserting her and her eyes began to
flood. Hell she didn’t want to cry in front of them – it would only give the
sadistic bastards more pleasure. Adrenaline pumped faster than her blood for
all the wrong reasons, and she felt scared, like hell. One of them decided today was his day to be
bold, and placed a sick hand on her cheek. All her anger, fear, pain, every
possible resentment leapt out of her,
like a hungry predator hunting his prey,
only this leap sounded like a slap.
Her hurt, his
disgrace stamped across his disgusted face.
And then he
He didn’t have
to say anything, all he had to do was just glare, after all he was the hottest &
the richest player in collage – no one messed with him. He had it good - muscle
and money. The goons froze, and blabbered some incoherent rubbish.
Her hand was
still shivering from the impact and she needed fresh air. She walked away as
fast as she could, he followed her. She
sat down across the grounds on the edge of the pool and dipped her legs in. Water always had a calming effect on her. She
needed calming more than anything else, now that the tears had started. He sat
down beside her, keeping a distance. He knew decent girls like her needed space
and he respected that – a lot.
herself lost between the anger she felt at the shallow minds the bloody world
was filled with, the insecurity she felt with him sitting right there and
looking at her and the gratitude she felt for his sudden rescue. She allowed
herself one single glance at him, though her eyes stayed long enough to be
called a stare. He wasn’t looking at her
with sympathy or with disgust, he looked kind of sad. She was most certainly
This is one of
those planned jokes, where he will try to befriend me and later will make fun
of me with his own gang and tell me this was one whole planned drama to make me
look like an idiot. I must not talk to him. No matter what he looks like. He
had to be one of the spoilt brats, couldn’t be anything else.
She stood up
to leave, he looked at her as if about to ask something, but stopped. He smiled
a genuine smile. She decided to walk faster to avoid a change of mind. When she
reached the gate, she looked back, for some unknown reason and she saw him
still sitting there, head buried in his hands, and her purse. Curse luck.
With a lot of
conscious effort she turned off her over-working mind and went back to pick her
purse up. One more look at him and she lost resolve.
Thank you. For
helping me out.
Its ok. Had there been anyone in your place, I would have done the same thing.
Yes but had
there been anyone else in your place, they would not have done the same thing.
He looked up
to face her properly
In that case
you are welcome. I’m Roshan . And you
I am extremely
grateful and tired right now.
extremely grateful and tired, let me inform you, I am not what you are thinking
You don’t know
what I think of you.
I can see it,
and I hate being judged. You think I’m a rich spoilt brat, used to getting
whatever I want, probably one of the worst characters around, but I’d like you
to see that’s not who i am.
Well, I don’t
go around making friends where I know there is potential for hurt. I’ve gotten
enough of that to know where to keep my distance. Just because I’m fat doesn’t mean I need
sympathies. I’m fat not disabled- there
is a difference. I don’t need more
people assuming that they are doing me a favor that no one else in their right
So we don’t
have to be friends, I can make friends on my own and if not then I can be happy
on my own, I don’t need shallow minded losers for friends.
What have I
said or done that makes you think I am shallow?
She knew she
was letting her insecurities get to her, perhaps it wasn’t right to be so
judgmental of others, and she didn’t have an answer to his question
Then when I do
you can stop being friends ok? Which I highly doubt anyways. So you are ?
insecurity and precariousness later, she replied .