Wednesday, 27 June 2012
So much to learn – so little time
4:45 – I run to the kitchen to make tea.
I tiptoe into her room, place the tea cup on the dressing table. She moves a little but doesn’t wake up. I take a quick look at the clock on the wall- its dot 5. Thank god.
She sleeps like a peaceful child. And that’s all I pray for her, to lead a peaceful life, to not have any more drama is her life- because she’s seen enough & it’s only fair that, now, she gets to see content days .
I used to believe in the Chinese curse “may you live in interesting times” and she used to refuse vehemently. I have grown up to believe it too.- because she taught me to never ask for something that could break you, that “interesting times” would also be hard and trying – and of course I learned it the hard way.
My mother and I are poles apart – we are like fire and ice, and as a rebellious teenager, I would often swear that I would be nothing like her when I grew up , but here I am today – a subtle replica of her , a forgery of the same woman with, say, the signature of my father on me.
5:10 – mummy.
she’s not getting up inspite of me calling out to her, day well-spent taking its toll. So I nudge her gently. She always told me to wake up my brothers from sleep in a gentle manner – something I never did earlier (and I think they didn’t deserve it). Waking up to a new day – it isn’t nice to wake up to someone yelling at you to hurry up.
5 :15 – mummy utho na. (mom wake up)
One of the things my mom and I never agreed on is the concept of retaliations , the joy of sweet revenge. I have always believed in a tooth for a tooth, but she believes in overlooking, then making sure it’s not getting out of hand, if yes - intervene , if not - forgive.
She always told me that if you forgive easily – people might take advantage, they will think you won’t mind just because you don’t say it out loud and make a fuss of it. Still forgive.
Her heavy figure breathing serenely, composed in the confines of her blanket, a safe haven. It seems silly, but I find peace when I see her all calm and tension-free. The gratitude I feel for her – I can never express it in words or deeds. She seems lost in her dreams. Dreams I hope she gets to see, I wonder why I don’t know what she dreams of. I think hard and see a flash-back of her saying “ a parent’s biggest dream is to see their child grow up and be a good honest person- to know that they have raised their kid well.” I hope I can live up to her dream – and be the person I want to be at the same time.
5:40 - Finally after all the nudging she wakes up.
Kitne baar bola hai beta, paaanch baje utha do, lekin nai, tumko laptop se fursat mile tab na. ab kitne der ho gayi, aao kitchen mein aur help karo.(how many times do i have to tell you wake me up early but of you leave your laptop then only you will have the time to think about other things, now its so late come and help me in the kitchen.)
I can just laugh at this daily dose of love, and hope I can be at least half the mom she is. When and if, I have kids – I want them to know her , to spend time with her and to learn from her.